Today is a bad one! I seem to be bypassing (leaking) constantly. I’ve adjusted all the tubes etc but l feel like l’m peeing myself!!!

Welcome to my world! It’s so uncomfortable and wet!!! I honestly don’t know how to fix it. My insides hurt and l just don’t know how to make it better. If it’s not fixed by the morning l will have to call the district nurse. There HAS to be a better way of managing this!!! Couple today with the anger l experience with PTSD l’m amazed l haven’t ripped it out. Apparently l did that 5ish times in hospital last year.

I hope you guys can understand how vile it is and why it’s the worst thing to happen to me since diagnosis.

I f#*king hate it!!! I always thought l could live witb what came along with MS, but l’m struggling with this. It hurts and makes me feel revolting.

All the other invisible stuff l can cope with but a catheter is just hateful and vile!!!

One of the bright sides of my medication in Clobazepam. It generally makes me sleep comfortably for 12 hours. No way that would work if l had a job!!!

I’d like to tell you how l found jobhunting at the start of my diagnosis.

A few things l want to tell you but please feel free to comment or subscribe or share for now and l’ll chat more next time.

Lots of love

H xxx

I went to see my neuro today. Even though we agreed last year we would have a telephone conversation this year because it’s simpler for me. But no, l got an email to tell me l had a physical appointment today, at the QE in Birmingham which, on a bad day, is 45 mins or more from mine. I gave up driving (and my car) last year so it’s a pain to get there.

Off course, he told me l’ve got to have an MRI (the same as the previous 10 years) otherwise, the appointment was pretty pointless, as far as l’m concerned.

I have a confession; 2 in fact. I now have PTSD and last year l was fitted with a permanent catheter. Nobody told ME the reason why. Quite frankly in the 14 years since l was diagnosed with MS, this is without question the very worst thing that has happened to me.

People have been telling me for a long time that l am a very strong person. If that’s true then l’ve never had to be stronger.

Having a catheter makes me feel disgusting. It’s uncomfortable, makes me sore and it bypasses (leaks) so l can’t even wear nice knickers!!! After all my weight loss l really wanted to try and look sexy for my fella! I f*#cking hate my body!!!!!!

I can’t quite believe l’ve just told everybody about my catheter. I’m so embarrased, l’m only 52.

I’ll talk about MS and my sex life in future blogs but getting the opportunity to wear nice knickers (despite hideous catheter) or matching undies was so exciting. Plus – l still have to buy & wear Tena pants, just to add insult to injury.

Neuro didn’t even know l had a catheter, let alone why or what for. To be fair l had heard of catheters but had absolutely no idea there was more than one type or how they worked. Just to add embarassment to embarassment, apparently my urethra is on the side which is stramge. Who even knew they could be anywhere but the normal place.

I think l may have told you a little TMI today 😁 But my admissions so far have been (in my opinion) so brave and mortifying at the same time!!! I feel like l’ve told the world 😃 Maybe a little bit cathartic. Just don’t stare at my leg if you bump into me!

Maybe next tine l’ll tell you about my PTSD and how MS has affected my sex life.

Lots of love guys

H xxx

MS Sucks was my first title. That was a kind thing to say about it.

It took 4 months for me to get get my initial diagnosis, that was SO lucky! The shock was that l went from having physio for a bad ankle for being told l needed a brain scan. I realise that so many people are in “limbo land” for a long period of time. I realised very quickly how lucky l was.

MS really does suck and one of the worst things is the not knowing just how quickly it will progress and having no idea just how quickly things WILL progress! After 14 yrs ish l’ve done okay but l honestly thought l’d be in a far worse situation by now. However, that doesn’t mean to say that l’m happy.

That may be an understatement!!!! The pain is excruciating, it’s truly hard to explain to anybody how bad it is. I have to tell people that l am always in pain however if it is particularly bad then l will mention it. I’m not trying to be noble but you have to suck it up sometimes.

After my hospital stints last yr l have discovered that l am experiencing PTSD. I was always experienciencing anger due to MS diagnosis and stuff regarding my mum, however, now (to put it mildly) l am a VERY VERY grumpy bum!!! I have NEVER experienced such anger in my whole life.

I’ll tell you more bout the anger but please rease read, share and don’t be too critical about my pants grammar x